I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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