the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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