How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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