It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
