I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
is wine microwaveable?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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