you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
