I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
