Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
