My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
