The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize