I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
