Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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