All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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