nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize