I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
