Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize