I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
