How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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