I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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