I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
