I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
