I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
