god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
