K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize