she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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