I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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