the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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