I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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