Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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