I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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