whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
