I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
