Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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