How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
