I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I looked at my own cervix.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize