Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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