did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
