I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
