I wish I could punch you in the face.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
