11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
