so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
