My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
