She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
