There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
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