I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need a beard to bite.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
