it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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