I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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