we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Houston, we have a squirter
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
