Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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