Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
