So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
