meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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