Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sorry my hands just texted you
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
