someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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