I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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