Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
