No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
