Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
