I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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