Your mouth is God's brothel.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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