apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
