tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
