Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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