FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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