I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
