8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
