2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
