Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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