He told me they were just razor bumps!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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