who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
