Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
