He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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